{"id":160,"date":"2019-04-18T17:06:37","date_gmt":"2019-04-18T17:06:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/?p=160"},"modified":"2019-06-01T00:44:03","modified_gmt":"2019-06-01T00:44:03","slug":"i-once-caught-a-fox-in-my-underwear","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/?p=160","title":{"rendered":"I once caught a fox… in my underwear."},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\nall started with a casual Sunday drive with my wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo\nyou want to pick raspberries?\u201d she asked. \u201cI know a great place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Per\nher directions I drove to a posh neighborhood and parked in front of a palatial\nhome.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere\nis a walking path behind those houses and tons of ripe berries,\u201d she said as\nshe exited the SUV and opened the back tailgate. She pulled out two white\nbuckets and a pair of bright orange coveralls. As she put them on over her\nclothing I thought, why does she need those? We\u2019re just picking berries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We followed the walking path and found enough berries to fill both of our buckets to the brim. I drooled thinking about the raspberry pies we\u2019d bake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When\nwe arrived back at the car, my wife quickly removed her coveralls. I opened the\ncar door.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWait!\nYou can\u2019t sit in the driver\u2019s seat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy\nnot?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve\nbeen walking through poison ivy and I am extremely allergic!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ah,\nthus the need for coveralls. \u201cWhat do you want me to do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\nhave to take your clothes off and put them back here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, as the sun sunk over the horizon, I hid behind the open car door and took off my shirt, jeans, socks and shoes. As she wouldn\u2019t touch them, I had to quickly rush them to the back and race to get in the car before someone saw me. On the way home I prayed a police officer wouldn’t stop us for anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, you need to know this before I continue\u2026 We lived in a community out in the country where everyone has three to five acres. Many of my neighbors raised chickens as we did and the word was out that a fox had been seen. I didn\u2019t want the fox to steal our chickens. Earlier I had placed a trap outside, but failed to set it yet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As\nit was dark now, we entered our subdivision. I was glad we had a garage and\ngarage opener for a speedy escape to sanctuary.  I didn\u2019t want to be seen in my whitey tighties\nby the neighbors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere it is! There\u2019s the fox!\u201d she screamed pointing out the passenger side window. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure enough, a fox was in the neighbor’s front yard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got to kill it!\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut\nI don\u2019t own a gun.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\nhave that BB gun, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I drove into our driveway, hitting the garage door opener and drove into the seclusion of the garage. I ran inside and retrieved the pistol, making sure it was loaded with BBs. I was getting frustrated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I drove back to where we saw the animal, I lowered my window. I figured I\u2019d do a \u201cdrive by\u201d. Alas, the fox had moved to the yard across the street. I handed the BB gun to my wife who refused to take it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m\nnot gonna kill it. YOU kill it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At this point I was very frustrated. I stopped and got out of the vehicle. I marched to the front of the car and aimed the pistol at the fox. Eight shots. I missed him with all of them. It smirked and ran off into the dark. \u201cAghhh,\u201d I yelled, and turned toward the car. It wasn\u2019t till then that I realized that I was standing right in the headlights in the middle of the street in my subdivision as if I was the main attraction at the circus\u2026in my underwear!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I slunk back into the car hoping one of the neighbors didn\u2019t film the crazy guy standing in the street firing a gun\u2026in nothing but his underwear! Totally embarrassed, knowing surely a video of me was about to be put on YouTube and go viral, I drove home and went out back and immediately set the trap baiting it with cat food\u2026again hoping no one saw me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After\na fitful night\u2019s sleep, I checked the trap, and lo and behold there was the\nfox! Beautiful reddish fur and black legs. A big bushy tail. It looked at me\nwith mournful little eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I called animal control to come get\nit and they said, \u201cIt\u2019ll cost you 50 bucks. There\u2019s been a lot of mange going\naround. We would just kill it.\u201d I googled mange. \u201c\/m\u0101nj\/ noun <\/em>a skin\ndisease of mammals caused by parasitic mites and occasionally communicable to\nhumans. It typically causes severe itching, hair loss, and the formation of\nscabs and lesions. Foxes that get mange die in three or four months.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOkay, thank you, I can do that myself.\u201d And save fifty bucks. I reloaded the BB gun and went outside. I fired all eight shots at close range. The BBs bounced off of the fox and made it MAD. Did you know that foxes bark like a dog? I didn\u2019t. Frustrated again, I yelled, \u201cI haven\u2019t made a dent. I\u2019ve hurt it and now it is mad. I don\u2019t own a gun…but\u2026I do own a sword\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My uncle Sunny (Yes, that is his name) had given me an old Masonic Knights Templar sword. About four feet long, the blade was about an inch wide. It was VERY sharp at the end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Feeling guilty and somewhat afraid, I stood with the sword outside the fox\u2019s cage. I held the sword toward the fox and said, in a Spanish accent, \u201cMy name ees Jon Hopkins and chu were about to keell my cheecken\u2019s. Prepare to die!\u201d And I stabbed it in the heart. The brave fox reached around and did something totally unexpected. It BIT the sword. It was so cool, I got goose bumps! Then\u2026it died. I slowly pulled out the bloody blade. To make myself feel better I told myself that it was gonna die probably in a month or two from mange anyway. And, like a hero in some fantasy movie, I had saved all the chickens of the neighborhood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I put the fox in a box. A fox box. And buried him in the trash can with honors. I doubt I’ll ever have the bravado to bite the sword that’s killing me like it did. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Note: So far, I have not seen a\nvideo of me online. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It all started with a casual Sunday drive with my wife. \u201cDo you want to pick raspberries?\u201d she asked. \u201cI know a great place.\u201d Per her directions I drove to a posh neighborhood and parked in front of a palatial home. \u201cThere is a walking path behind those houses and tons of ripe berries,\u201d she […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[13,1],"tags":[19,18,17,21,20],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/160"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=160"}],"version-history":[{"count":9,"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/160\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":213,"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/160\/revisions\/213"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=160"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=160"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=160"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}