{"id":57,"date":"2016-10-07T20:34:01","date_gmt":"2016-10-07T20:34:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/?p=57"},"modified":"2016-10-07T20:35:42","modified_gmt":"2016-10-07T20:35:42","slug":"blue-tennis-shoes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/?p=57","title":{"rendered":"Blue Tennis shoes"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Writing the second book in my series The Long-aimed Blow, coauthored with my twin brother, is harder than I thought it would be. The first book talks about trauma. Book two is how the characters responded and deal with the trauma. It has brought back many memories and has thrown me into a deep depression. Let me explain. No, let me summarize\u2026.<\/p>\n

As an identical twin, it is always difficult to get individual attention.<\/p>\n

One day as a child, I was sick\u2014and my brother wasn\u2019t. He went on to school and I got to stay home. Mom brought me soup and put a cool rag on my forehead. I felt loved. It was not long before I had learned to fake being sick and would be sent home from school for more individual attention.<\/p>\n

One day, waiting in the nurse\u2019s office for mom to pick me up, I overheard the principal tell my mother, \u201cHe\u2019s not really sick. We know that. But what can we do? It is such a shame, he has so much potential. If only he\u2019d just stay in school.\u201d I felt so ashamed. I thought that was the last day I would equate sickness with love.<\/p>\n

I looked for the attention in other ways. I found that I could get praise for drawing and art and was kinda good at it. (so was my brother) I could sing and wanted the solo in the Christmas program, but some girl got the part. I failed at a spelling bee when I couldn\u2019t spell the word \u201cdirt.\u201d<\/p>\n

Much of the trauma from my fifth grade is seen in the Princes of Albion. I won\u2019t take the time to tell that story now. I walked away with only the clothes on my back and a pair of blue Converse tennis shoes.<\/p>\n

I was never good enough. Never as good as the other guys. Never strong enough. I once cried because I had little arms. In sixth grade, the other boys knocked me down on the playground, took my shoes off and my white socks, then lifted me up and paraded me around the school yard waving my socks like flags.<\/p>\n

I intently watched the other boys and saw that they got attention from girls by saying something funny. I had been using my sense of humor to escape bad feelings for a long time and I started being a wise guy\/clown in class. People laughed when I told a joke or a good pun. But the laughter never felt like love.<\/p>\n

In high school they dumped my blue tennis shoes in the boys\u2019 toilet, put a jock strap over my head, and a punctured can of Right Guard down my gym shorts. At the church youth group, I nominated myself for the Spiritual Council. I got one vote\u2014mine. (They read the results out loud). I did art for the youth department and tried my best.\u00a0I was in the ninth grade play\u2026 but forgot my lines.<\/p>\n

But, I didn\u2019t feel loved. I would look at myself in the mirror at home and tell myself how much I hated who I was\u2014until I blacked out. My brother had a girlfriend, but I was too shy. No one loved me. Oh, mom did. But she was mom. I began to seek ways to commit suicide.<\/p>\n

That summer the youth group was going to Old Mexico for a missionary trip. I didn\u2019t want to go. I wanted to stay home and die. But my brother was going, so I reluctantly went. I remember stepping on the bus. I looked down at my worn out tennis shoes and said, \u201cGod, I\u2019m so tired.\u201d That trip we built a building from the foundation to the finished roof. It was hard work. We handed out Bibles in the afternoon. In the evenings we would hold meetings. I was asked to give my testimony. I made one up.<\/p>\n

I met an old Mexican who spoke a little English. He asked my name and I told him.\u00a0 He called me \u201cJaunisito.\u201d I asked what that meant and he said, \u201cLittle Jon with love.\u201d I gave a scoffing laugh and gave him a Bible.<\/p>\n

By Thursday of that week I was exhausted. That evening–very late–the Youth Pastor gave a Mission’s message on God\u2019s love for all mankind. I heard him say, \u201cGod loves you.\u201d And I broke down. I did not believe him. He was very wrong. I walked to the back and fell to my knees and sobbed.<\/p>\n

Then, in my despair, I somehow felt God\u2019s arms enfold me and He whispered in my ear, \u201cIt is true. I do love you, Jon.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u2026to be continued\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Writing the second book in my series The Long-aimed Blow, coauthored with my twin brother, is harder than I thought it would be. The first book talks about trauma. Book two is how the characters responded and deal with the trauma. It has brought back many memories and has thrown me into a deep depression. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[6,3,2,5],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=57"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":60,"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57\/revisions\/60"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=57"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=57"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jonhopkins.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=57"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}